A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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