that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
