i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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