he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
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