The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
