Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Randomize
