Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
