I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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