woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
