You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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