new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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