Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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