I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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