the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
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The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
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My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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