then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
