I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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