Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
