All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
