when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
that may or may not have been my penis.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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