wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
