i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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