watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
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