I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
