dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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