There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
