Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
