i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
