He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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