I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Even my vagina gasped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
True strength comes from lack of pants
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize