Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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