Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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