If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
