I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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