I hope mine doesn't look like that
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
