he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
