I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
