Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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