Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
