that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
