I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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