You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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