alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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