Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
