Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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