from now on my penis is your penis
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
