I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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