Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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