Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
