Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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