VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
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My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
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You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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