i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
