It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
