Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
You were trust falling into bushes
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
