I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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